Purrell Unvails Hand Epidermal Incinerator

Funny story written by Charlie D. Nowhere

Wednesday, 5 March 2008

image for Purrell Unvails Hand Epidermal Incinerator
It sure get 'em clean

The Purrell company today introduced the latest weapon in their war against hand bacteria.

The HEI (Hand Epidermal Incinerator) is an advance on the company's hand sanitizing gel that allegedly kills 99.9% of hand germs on contact.

"We had tremendous success with the popular hand gel," said CEO Ralph Aznek. "Now we intend to improve upon that wonderful product."

The HEI actually incinerates one to three layers of the hand's epidermis.

It's wall-mounted and the size of a microwave. Just place your hands in after you wash them and your hands are sanitized, this time 100% of bacteria is killed.

"The pain and bleeding goes away in a few days, and when it does, you know it's time for another incineration." said Aznek.

The HEI is a response to public concern that the other 0.1% of the bacteria left by the hand sanitizing gel has become a major concern.

"We realized the resistant bacteria could, perhaps, grow unruly and stronger because it was left with no competition from the other 99.9% of its competitors," said Aznek. "And we knew there was an outside chance the remaining bacteria could produce an even more resilient and sinister strain."

The Federal Health Organization confirmed last month that users of Purrell's hand sanitizer had "filthy, white trash-like hands that were infested with strains of what appear to be a super bacterium."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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