Ralph Nader, a former presidential candidate, is throwing his head back into the ring; even when the vast majority of Democrats want his head under a guillotine. Even Ralph Nader's most vigilant supporters in 2000, such as Michael Moore and Bill Maher, have previously pleaded to him not to run. He is now so desperate for support that he is lecturing rocks and pigeons to vote for him.
Though Ralph Nader is running out of options he still has something to fall back on: the grave. Nader wants to revoke the laws that make it illegal for dead citizens to vote, arguing that, "Dead people have faced the greatest amount voting discrimination, with zombies constantly being turned away from the polls." Nader calls this form of discrimination, "Troubling."
"I call upon the dead to vote Nader in 2008, " said the independent candidate at his un-televised Nader National Convention right off of interstate twelve. The small town he stopped at was nearly vacant, and according to Winona LaDuke, "Most of the attendants came to see Peter Camejo, and many more just stopped to buy pie from the fruit stand across the street."
The Republican candidates latched onto Nader's strategy by constantly referring to dead Republican presidents such as Ronald Reagan. However, their stand on stem cell research demonstrates that they only care about people after they die. This is why they are trying to expand the voting block to include dead people."If you ask me, the dead should not be grateful to rest in a country that does not give them a voice, " concluded Nader.
"Nader makes a very valid point. We must reach out to dead voters, " explained the presumptive Republican nominee for president, Senator John McCain."Dead people actually voted Republican in huge numbers in the 2000 presidential election and the election went quite flawlessly." Many candidates in the race for the white house are beginning to court dead voters. McCain is in fact married the zombie of an affluent billionaire, and that will go over well in Orange County and to those standing behind him during his stump speeches.
President George W. Bush, who owes his presidency to Ralph Nader, said that, "Dead people have a huge political influence. How do you think my former attorney general lost an election to a dead guy?"
But the Republicans have a problem. With George W. Bush as president the zombies had few brains to feast on, and many have starved. The Democrats see this as an opportunity to win the zombie vote and offer their brains to their Republican masters, who order them to wire tap American citizens and to not impeach Bush and Cheney. Bob Shrum, John Kerry's former consultant who lost seven straight presidential elections, applauded the Democrats to be willing to "Reach across the aisle and give the Republicans a piece of their minds."
Democratic Senator John Kerry, though not the first candidate to court the dead vote, unsuccessfully used his Lurch like appearance and bland speaking style to draw the dead to the polls. Nader hopes that charismatic Democratic candidates like Obama and Clinton will draw disaffected dead voters to his campaign, voters who have fallen head over heels with his droopy appearance and dry speeches. Ralph can only hope that the dead are brainless enough to vote for him.
One dead voter seemed to be unimpressed with the candidate's attempts to raise the dead voter turnout."These political issues do not concern us much, " said former President Herbert Hoover."We just want to feast upon the flesh of the living."
Nader responded with optimism, saying "I still think I have a good chance. Folks often tell me that I'm dead in the water, and I take that as a compliment."
