Washington AC/DC - (Reuterus): A DNA breakthrough has led the FBI straight to Vice President Dick Cheney in the Agency's protracted investigation into the disappearance of '70s skyjacking terrorist Dan 'DB' Cooper.
Cooper jumped out of a Northwest passenger jet in 1971 after taking the pilot hostage. He then vanished somewhere over Washington armed only with $250,000 ransom money, a false passport and a letter of introduction from CIA Director George Herbert Bush, later Veep to Ronnie Raygun.
Several plastic surgery interventions later Cooper somehow slimed his way into the ID and persona of the current US Vice President Dick Cheney.
FBI sources believe he owes his luck entirely to Skull 'N' Bones' lobbying that ensured all traces of his earlier activities in Dallas on 22 November 1963 were excised from criminal records along with those of his business partner who took on the ID of George Bush Jr.
This week the FBI's re-opening of the 1971 skyjacking episode has been greatly helped by Interpol assistance.
Reports from European law agencies have traced Cooper's bastard daughter to be a KGB/MI6 double agent, currently living in some Global Piss Process hellhole as a bona-fide British diplomatic staff member.
Her connections to the Blair Administration's fantasy partnership of the IRA Good Friday Agreement has been identified as the key element involved in the destruction of all MoD double-agent criminal records during a part-time job she had as an IT officer between 1997-1999.
"Cheney's regular $50 checks on the occasion of her birthday and wedding anniversary may have been a bit of icing on the proverbial cake," Interpol sources added confidently.