Muskegon, Michigan (AP) Following the report by Ex-Senator George Mitchell today about steroid usage by Major League Baseball players, a local pool player has come forth to admit his history of steroid usage.
The player, who will be code-named Player X Squared to protect his identity was interviewed at a local bar that he plays for on a league team.
"I didn't want to do it, I was scared that maybe my testicles would shrink down to grapes. I, I had read certain things about the stuff, but I thought, heck, that stuff only happens to other people not me." Player X Squared would not comment on the size of his testicles.
Player X Squared went on to say, "It got to the point where I was falling behind everybody, I mean, you'd go into a rival bar and these guys would be HUGE, I mean buff and heck you had just seen them about four or five weeks ago and they was like me, sort of normal. So, you knew that they was usin'. The tables may have been level but the playin' field sure wasn't."
When asked about how he obtained the drugs, Player X Squared would only say that he got them for a gym rat named Jim. "I've known Jim for about 30 years but damned if I can tell you what his full name is. Heck, I couldn't even pick him out of a crowd, honest, I'm being straight up with you on this."
When queried about what drugs he was obtaining and using Player X Squared replied, "Well, Jim, who I told you earlier I don't know his last name, always gave me what he called the "clear", and then later he started giving me the "cream". I don't know where he got it from but it smelled a lot like Pond's Beauty Cream. I got a wife so I know what that smells like."
When asked if any of his teammates took any of the drugs, Player X Squared had a look of horror on his face and replied, "Look, I ain't saying nothin' about my teammates, those guys are HUGE!" After some investigation by this journalist I managed to locate the "gym rat Jim". He readily agreed that he did in fact provide the "clear" and the "cream" to Player X Squared, however, after chortling to himself he went on to explain, "that boy got steroids in his head and he wouldn't have nothing else but steroids. So I rubbed some rubbing alcohol on his arm and then I rubbed Ponds Beauty Cream on his neck. I charged him big money because he is a big dope. I hope he comes back for more, I got a car payment due."
A casual examination of the other pool players on Player X Squared team revealed that they are in fact, huge. Huge as in fat, dumpy, sloppy trogs with wallets with chains attached to them. I did smell rubbing alcohol and Ponds Beauty cream on all of them.
