Fed Chief Ben Bernanke Nailed in Topless Bar Raid

Funny story written by James Robert Roberts

Sunday, 25 November 2007


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United States Federal Reserve Chairman, Ben Bernanke, was arrested Saturday night in a Bronx, New York strip club raid, where police had received a tip that active prostitution and illegal gambling were occurring behind the scenes.

More than 100 patrons were inside the bar when police officers from Bronx Precinct 32 stormed the topless strip club. Twelve swat members from the elite NYPD Swat Team also were staged in the raid to provide backup for Precinct 32. All 100 patrons, twelve strippers, three bartenders, two bouncers, and three men, believed to be captains in the Garambino crime family, were taken into custody and booked on charges of illegal gambling, lude and lascivious conduct, soliciting for immoral purposes, assault with a friendly weapon, wanton behavior, panhandling, prostitution, and patent infringement on nipple rings.

Arresting Officer, Brian Mulroney of the Bronx Police Precinct 32 said that he found Bernanke standing on a toilet and hiding in a stall in the mens' rest room with a suitcase full of $100 bills. During a search and interrogation, it was discovered that Bernanke had a hickey on his member, whip lash marks on his buttocks, lipstick on his forehead, smelled of cheap whiskey and perfume, and was so intoxicated he could barely speak. Mulroney said that Bernanke provided his name and ID, but refused to give up the suitcase of money, claiming he needed it for support during the coming U.S. recession and end times.

Mulroney said that Bernanke was quite agitated and exclaimed repeatedly, "Abandon ship you fools! There's a wild man running the Fed!"

Bernanke was taken to headquarters, booked and held. He later was released on bail, which was posted by a very young and unidentified blonde woman with a tattoo of a sea serpent above her left breast.

After posting bail, Bernanke and the young blonde slipped out the back door of Precinct 32 to avoid a growing press contingent at the front door. Mulroney on a whim asked Bernanke for some economic advice.

Bernanke became agitated again and yelled, "All advice is bad advice, and good advice is deadly!"

Mulroney said that after the encounter with Bernanke on Saturday night he is thinking about cashing in his policeman's pension fund and getting a tattoo.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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