Hollywood, D. C. - Tired of consecutive fender benders, Britney Spears has hired Rudy Giuliani as a driver to take her and both sons on errands, appointments, clubs, spas and shopping on Rodeo Drive. Rudy insists he can continue to campaign for the Republican nomination while driving Ms. Spears, as he was able to single-handedly get the country back together following 9/11.
After a U-turn on Sunset Boulevard and getting the limo stuck on a center divide, Ms. Spears bailed out, making a two finger whistle for a cab, and taking off with both boys. Giuliani explained to the traffic officers that since he had three marriage licenses, he didn't need a driver's license to drive Ms. Spears' limo. He refused to take a breathalyzer test, adding that he was the 9/11 savior, and was not subject to tests given to ordinary people.
"Can you touch your nose with your toe?'"
"Who the Cecil B. deMille can do that?"
"Hillary Clinton, on a hammock, while standing up, whistling Dixie. You're under arrest for driving without a license."
"But I got the Mafia out of New York, the call girls off the streets, and waged war against the terrorists on 9/12."
Through Dick Cheney, Giuliani requested an immediate pardon from the President. George Bush took out his rubber stamp and slammed it down on the LAPD forms, releasing the ex-mayor from jail, giving him a free pass to continue campaigning for the Republican nomination.
"With Scott McClellan fingering you as part of the conspiracy to out CIA operative Valerie Plame, you might need a friendly face in the White House to pardon you. But hey, did you know that Hillary Clinton could touch her nose with her toe, on a hammock, while standing up, whistling Dixie?"
"No, C. B.!"
Meanwhile, Britney Spears made it to the courthouse on time, two boys in tow, gum snapping, singing, "Somewhere over the rainbow...", Rudolph Giuliani added limousine driver to his resume, and Hillary Clinton remained ahead of the field in the final stretch for the finish.
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