(Exclusive from the Mayberry Gazette) One week after one of the largest funerals in the history of Mayberry, North Carolina, most of the town turned out for the reading of Beatrice (Aunt Bee) Taylor's will. The reading was done at the high school, as the cafeteria was the largest room in town (except for the armory, but they didn't want retired Deputy Barney Fife trying to shoot the kids with his bullet for climbing on the tank again).
Frugal Ms. Taylor saved her money over the years, in addition to once being a winner on a television game show, and had amassed a small personal fortune. While most people suspected that the lion's share of the wealth would go to her great nephew Opie, a local attorney let it slip that multiple townspeople were mentioned in the will.
Attorney Melvin Douglas begin the proceedings (after a pot luck lunch organized by the ladies social club) by showing a short opening statement video from Ms. Taylor.
"Is this on? Can I talk now? Where do I look? Oh, it's on? I should start? Okay."
"Hello to all my friends in Mayberry. I hope that all of you were able to attend my funeral. I also hope that Corabeth did not bring that lime jello today to the potluck. I hate to tell you, Cora Beth, but no one really likes it and we all put scoops on the kids' plates because we know they'll just use it in food fights."
"Anyway, that's all in the past. I guess I'm dead now and you're here to see what is going to happen to all of my money."
"First off, I need to say that I really always loved Mayberry. Unfortunately, I stayed an old maid in this town for many years because Mayberry is probably the gayest town in America. I mean, we've got more fruit than Florida has oranges! Just look around you! This town is dying because none of you men are reproducing with women!"
"So, based on that, I'm going to give away some of the valuable possessions from my life to people just to make them happy in their perversions."
"That's all from me. Bye Bye!"
After the end of the videotape, this reporter looked around at the people for their reactions. Several appeared horrified.
The lawyer then proceeded with the reading of the will.
"Okay, let's see. First, Aunt Bee wanted to remember her good friend, Floyd the Barber. She says in her will, To my good friend, Floyd the Barber, I leave all of Opies fruit of the looms from when he was six years old."
Floyd was so happy at the announcement that he actually let go of the Marshall twins.
"To my good friend, Barney Fife, I leave all of the jars of his favorite pickles that are in my cupboard. We all know how much Barney likes eating pickles, in more ways than one!"
Just at that moment, Barney stood up in the back. "Andy," he screamed, "we've got to put a stop to the reading of this will. We've got to nip it, nip it in the bud!"
"To the Pyle boys, who were never really cousins and still work at that same filling station since they kicked Gomer out of the marines because of that don't ask, don't tell stuff (he told), I leave the filling station. You don't know that I bought it years ago and you've been paying me rent. Goober, you boys may as well come out of the closet now because we've seen the matching rings and are all tired of the pumping gas and tool jokes from you two."
Gomer only replied to this news with a "Golly" and a "Shazam."
"To Howard Sprague, I leave all of my underthings. While some of them may be a little big, that never stopped him from raiding my drawers before."
Howard turned beet red and ran from the room.
"To Thelma Lou....we all know you're real name is Burt. You can stop dressing in drag now. Your and Barney's secret is out."
Thelma Lou, at the mention of her/his name, got up and stormed out. Unfortunately, he/she stormed out to the men's room.
"To Ernest T. Bass and the Darlings....I leave prepaid vasectomys for all of you at the local hospital. You inbred hillbillies need to stop breeding with each other and with the livestock. Your family tree hasn't forked in generations."
At this mention, Pa Darling was heard to say..."if we owns the critters, they's family."
To Otis, the town drunk. You were smart enough to get blasted and try to stay away from the boys of this town. To you, I leave my condo on Myrtle Beach and the bulk of my estate."
Otis stumbled to the front door, waved his bottle at the people in attendance, screamed "the drinks are on me," and walked off into the night.
Opie Taylor's reaction to not receiving anything in the will, was not known. He was in New York filming with the rest of the cast of Queer Eye for the Straight Guy.
