Washington DC - (Ass Mess): One of President Bush's closest and most trussed advisors has quit in the wake of an imminently-erupting scandal at the Justice Department.
In a tersely-worded statement Attorney-General Alberto Gonzales squirmed his way out of the Justice Department fiasco about sacked federal prosecutors and illegal wiretaps of top CIA, FBI and NSA officials suspected of conspiring to impeach Bush and Cheney on treason charges.
"Thirteen years ago I entered pubic orifice," Gonzales's statement said today.
"And during that time there have been few legal technicalities that have ever stopped me from lying my ass off for the Bushes.
"My journey began in a NATO detention camp on 25 November 1963 after George Walker Bush and I were busted on suspicion of hiring Jack Ruby.
"Getting out of that one was a piece of cake compare to the shit I'm in today.
"Let me just say for the record that it's been one of my greatest privileges to lead the Department of Justice.
"But Special Prosecutor Patrick FitzGerald has got me over a barrel with my ass in a sling.
"How I'll wriggle out of that one I don't yet know.
"But whoever authorised Fitzgerald to wiretap my home and orifice must be a worse goddam fool than even I have given them credit for.
"And now he's threatened to play back them tapes to the Senate Committe and the UN Secutiry Council.
"So it farewell, adieu and au revoir while I lean on some Alaskan Corrupt Bastards Club chums to see what influence I might have left to save my ass and my President from the Chair.
"God Bless America!"
