Music Industry Giggling Over Static Loaded MP3 Crusade

Funny story written by SciTy

Wednesday, 18 February 2004

"It's like your listening... your listening... SHSHSHSHHSHSHSHSHH!!!! Ha ha ha ha ha..." said Harvey Finglebert, head of the RIAA's new 1, 2, MP3 Faux department said.

The RIAA has been encouraging record labels aligned with their belief that MP3s are hellspawn sent by satan to overthrow the world of man and defy god to pollute the internet with versions of new, highly sought after MP3s that contain what they call "sounds that will make even the devil cringe." The songs sound like the intended song for about 30 seconds and then turn out to be just angry white noise variations for the duration of the rest of the song. "Take that you demonic digital compression format pee 2 pee assholes!" yelled Finglebert to his computer screen during our brief interview.

"I don't know. It's kind of funny. I even used some of it in a techno track I put together. It is great for sampling." said Jerry Smith, a college student at the University of Central Florida.

"I just pause the track half way through and preview it. If I hear that is a fake track I cancel it so I don't spread it to others." Sarah Grant, a student of the Georgia Institute of Technology said.

"WE WILL END THIS FILE SHARING MADNESS! THEY'LL NEVER BE ABLE TO FIND THE SONGS THEY WANT! COLLEGE KIDS HAVE NO PATIENCE!!!" screamed Finglebert in response to a question pertaining to his recent promotion to the head of the new department.

"I find that Kazaa is about 28% saturated with this lame ass garbage the RIAA is trying to spread, but that is just when you look for Britney Spears and Justin Timbercrap. All the good stuff is easy to get. I just block IP addresses to known RIAA servers and I watch for variations in file names. It really isn't a big deal." said Smith.

The RIAA, hwoever, is spending millions of dollars on bandwidth and webhosting a month to infiltrate file sharing networks with their fake MP3s in order to offset the lowered sales that the association claims is not from lack of consumer trust but rather due to "insidious peer to peer networking created by Lucifer himself." Economic analysts estimate that the money the RIAA is spending could be used to sign better bands and musicians to entice listeners to actually feel a moral obligation to support the musicians they are listening to, thus increasing CD sales.

"No. We HAVE to flood the internet with fake versions of songs to eradicate the mess the devil has created. There are no other options. We are on a mission from god." said Finglebert.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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