President Bush announced today that the United States government would stop supplying troops in Iraq with Mine Resistant Ambush Protected (MRAP) vehicles and replace the entire fleet with 1960 standard Volkswagen Beetles, and transports made of cardboard.
"We spent millions of dollars on these vehicles and by the first weekend these kids have them exploded," Bush said referring to the troops. "We have to teach these young men responsibility. You cannot take a 25 million dollar vehicle and crack it up the first time you take it for a spin."
Bush said his father used a similar tact when he was a youth. "I smashed up the Camaro, the Caddy, I did a number on the station wagon, took a week of drenching the pond to get that back. I learned my lesson and I am sure these boys will do the same."
During a press conference in the heavily fortified Rose Garden, Bush was asked if the damage to the vehicles could be attributed to IED's and not reckless driving.
"IED's," the President said chuckling. "I used that one when I cracked up the Camaro. I looked my Dad in the eye and said 'Honest to God Dad the road just blew up under me.' No, can't fool me with that one, fool me once shame on you, fool me, fool me twice, fool me, fool me, teenage wasteland, it's nothing but teenage wasteland."
PFC Thomas Smith from Fort Dix, upon being informed of the news stated: "We are all going to die."
The President said such predictions were nonsense "unless we drop a nuclear bomb on Baghdad and only Dick wants to do that, and Karl, and if Wolfie comes back he'll be on board, but still a couple of troops should be able to straggle out."
Besides the Volkswagen Beetle, reportedly chosen by the President after a screening of "Herbie Fully Loaded," the cardboard transports were chosen because they are considered too light to set off pressure triggered roadside bombs.
Bush also praised the cardboard transports because it comes without wheels, and to use it troops will have to reach under it, pick it up and run with it.
"These terrorists want to take us back to the stone-age," Bush said. "When they see our troops carrying card boxes around them," (named the Flintstone 2000) "they will think they have won and will retreat."
Ironically Iraqi insurgents were angered when they heard the news. "You ever blow up cardboard! It just go poof! No bang! This bring the Mohammed down."
In a totally unrelated story earlier this morning Vice President Dick Cheney purchased every cardboard company in the country.