Cleric Urges More Forced Exorcisms

Funny story written by Rumplestilskin

Sunday, 13 May 2007

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Washington, DC, 5/13/2007: Most of the violent crime in the United States could be eliminated if the country would just stop coddling the demonically possessed, according to the Rev. Cotton Fullafit. Fullafit, director of the non-profit Exorcism Advocacy Center, spoke to a large gathering of conservative Christian leaders here today. He said he favors laws making it easier to conduct so-called "assisted exorcisms."

"The possessed often don't know that they are possessed," he said, "so they resist being exorcised. We must assist them to rid themselves of their demons, whether they want us to or not." He also said that those who object most strenuously to being exorcised are usually the most totally possessed, and when they say that they don't want to be exorcised it's really just the devil speaking through them.

Speaking to reporters after his speech, Rev. Fullafit explained how the possessed can be identified. "They are often homeless," he said, "because their demons keep them from understanding the importance of finding a place to live." He cited low income as another sign of demonic possession. "A very high percentage of the unemployed and of low-wage earners are also possessed," he said.

He added that almost everyone who talks to themself, or who has poor hygiene, is possessed; as are most people who dress poorly. The actual process of ridding someone of their demons can take months or even years, he said, and only a trained exorcist can tell when it's all done.

Fullafit is currently backing legislation in several states to make exorcism mandatory for anyone found to be possessed. He said that his group has been working with social service agencies in those states to develop lists of those in need of being exorcised.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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