Westminster Winner Stripped of Crown in Gay Doggie Scandal

Written by Dan Barash

Monday, 19 February 2007

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Punishment rarely succeeds in turning gay dogs straight.

The winner of the Westminster dog show has been stripped of his title due to a long-standing relationship with a same-sex lover. The American Kennel Club announced that Jimmy, an English springer spaniel, would heave to return his trophy and give up lucrative dog food endorsements.

Jimmy's owners recently confirmed rumors that Jimmy is gay and has had a male companion for several years. The companion wishes to remain anonymous and is referred to as "Fido".

The revelation has shocked the dog world, where heterosexual relationships are virtually universal. Even more disturbing, it appears that Fido is a mutt.

Jimmy's handler said she "begged Jimmy to find a nice bitch and settle down," but to no avail. Intense therapy from the same team that cured Pastor Ted Haggard of his homosexuality was not successful. His handler said the only result of the therapy was to make Jimmy "the most insufferable holier-than-thou dog I've ever seen".

The American Kennel Club justifies the punishment by pointing to a morals clause in Jimmy's Westminster Show contract. "When he put his paw on the dotted line he certified that he conformed to the highest standards of canine behavior and morals," said the spokesman.

The American Kennel Club lists a number unacceptable of dog behaviors in addition to homosexuality. These include, tail chasing, shoe chewing, and (human) crotch sniffing.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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