BILLINGSGATE POST: In a heartwarming gesture, Walter “Chainsaw” Williams, who was sentenced to life in prison without parole for gruesomely sawing up nineteen victims in a nine-day crime spree, relinquished his cell in San Quentin so that Willy “Scissors” Henshaw, the owner of a three-chair barbershop in Oakland, could have his own private cell.
After being given the opportunity to personally apologize to Governor Newsom for violating his rules regarding non-essential business operations, or face jail time, Scissors told the judge he would rather rot in jail than starve to death.
Judge Harriet “Hardtime” Hamilton, a Governor Moonbeam appointee, slammed her gavel down and threw the book at Henshaw:
“How about this, wise guy. You can do both.”
“I hereby sentence you to seven days in prison without food or drink.”
Slim: “I always wondered how the judge got the nickname, Hardtime.”
Dirty: “Yo, Dude. How would you like to hook up with her?”