Written by Blind Fool -••-

Friday, 18 November 2005

image for Fruitcake Attacks, Devours Pit Bull
No match for the fruitcake.

Houston, TX : Yesterday a 9-inch fruitcake attacked and ate a full-grown pit bull. Rocky was a 4 year old American Pit Bull Terrier weighing in at just over 75 lbs.

It all started when Rocky escaped from his owner, who is also named Rocky, while on their daily afternoon walk (owner Rocky rode his bicycle) up and down the boulevard cruising for chicks.

"The leash snapped and Rocky took off around the corner and down an alley," said the distraught 18 year old owner of the now deceased animal.

By the time Rocky caught up to his pet he found it barking and taunting the fruitcake which was lying on the ground next to a dumpster eating a rat. "I was startled at first. I had never seen a fruitcake out of its packaging, much less outside in broad daylight."

But Rocky's surprise quickly turned into fear. "I could see that the fruitcake was getting agitated. I started yelling at Rocky to stop, but he wouldn't listen. He just wouldn't listen."

The fruitcake pounced on the dog and attacked it with relentless and merciless fury. "I took off my gold-plated chain necklace with Pit Bull pendant (weighing in at 7lbs. 11oz.) and started swinging. And even though it did some damage to the dumpster, it didn't affect the fruitcake."

Rocky, the owner, then rode his bike home and called 911 to report the incident. By the time the police, fire, EMS, S.W.A.T. and animal control officials arrived, it was too late. All that was left was Rocky's (the dog's) collar identified by it's inscription, "To Rocky, the tuffest pet I ever got."

The fruitcake was nowhere to be found.

Families in the area have been warned about the incident and have been told to stay inside until the menace is apprehended. Fruitcake specialists have been contacted in hopes of learning where it may have gone or what it may do next.

"It may go amok on a killing spree," said one such specialist. "Or since they are cold-blooded creatures, we may find it warming itself in the sun, in which case it could easily be handled and placed back into it's cardboard box without so much as a wimper. They're very unpredictable, it depends on the fruitcake's temperament at the time."

A bill has since been introduced in Congress legislating that all fruitcakes be kept only out in rural areas where the population is lower. Special handling and breeding permits will be required as well.

As for owner Rocky, the community has banded together and started a fund-raising drive to buy the boy another Pit Bull. "It seems the right thing to do since a boy's best friend is his dog, and especially since Rocky lost his so close to the holiday season," said Miriam, the elderly neighbor who started the drive.

When asked what he thought about his neighbors' generosity Rocky said, "That's all cool and stuff, but now I want a pet fruitcake instead. They're really tuff and I'm sure chicks will dig 'im."

Rocky's mom said that was okay with her-whatever he wants.


The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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Topics: Attacks, Pit Bull

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