Written by Chuck Terzella

Friday, 11 June 2004

image for State Department, Colin Powell Issue Revised Terror Attacks Report
"Let's See...We Carry The One, then add the Five..."

The State Department has issued new revised Terrorism Figures for 2003 which indicate that the instances of terrorism had not gone down last year as previously reported by the Administration. Instead of the number of attacks dropping to 190 instances as claimed in the document informally known in the State Department as the Terrorism Index Report (Extended Document) or TIRED, which would be the lowest level in 34 years and indicate a 45% drop since President Bush took office, the number of attacks have instead increased sharply.

Secretary of State Colin Powell, in an increasingly rare display of honesty said, "Errors crept in that frankly we did not catch here". Among the errors were that the Administration did not take into account the total terrorist attacks for the entire year. Instead, they only counted attacks made from February 12th, 2003 thru March 3rd, 2003 in Billings, Montana.

The TIRED report also apparently counted the entire Middle East, Asia and Europe as one big terrorist attack. The other 189 reported attacks were made by a guy named Festus P. Hymen against a small squirrel that had been raiding his bird feeder.

Unnamed White House Source Wegman (Pudgy) Waterhouse, speaking on the condition of anonymity said, " OK, sure, things are not quite as good as the original TIRED report first made them seem, but actually that makes our case for declaring Marshall Law that much stronger so we're feeling pretty good about it."

At this point the revised numbers seem to indicate that instead of 190 terrorist attacks, the actual number for 2003 was 5,765,438.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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Topics: Terrorism, Attacks

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