Winneshiek County, Iowa. Dean Edward Johnson, 52, of St. Matthew's College pulled Sociology Professor Hugh Beckman, 57, and Human Relations Professor Grant Walgreen, 61, into his office last May and warned them about all of the smoking and 'shit-talking' they were doing in front of Yeoman Hall while 'at-risk' students were entering the building.
Fearing that the highly-impressionable and struggling young adults from upper-middle class families were going to become totally disillusioned with higher academia and 'drop out' in order to find alternative paths for making money and becoming content with life, Dean Johnson felt it was necessary to inform Dr. Beckman and Dr. Walgreen that tobacco was not allowed on campus, and that their behavior was not properly representing the foundational goals of St. Matthew's, or the promises that a college degree has to offer.
Upon receiving the reprimand, the PhD holders agreed that they would smoke less in front of the building, cover up their heavily tattooed arms, and stop making statements such as "Fuck This Shit!" and "I could care less if I ever look at a god-damn curriculum map again!"
Hugh Beckman (already known for being angry, violent, moody, and emotionally unstable) was particularly informed that his constant referring to world of education as 'a completely hopeless realm full of jerk-offs, fuck-faces, and ass-wipes' needed to stop, and Grant Walgreen (known for his excessive drinking and lust-driven, reckless behavior) was scolded for talking about the summer vacations he takes to legalized brothels in Nevada in order to get laid by gigantic-breasted prostitutes.
"Several students who initially had dreams of becoming teachers have already impaled themselves on the University flag pole after listening to these two," Dean Johnson told reporters.
"Another student also managed to decapitate himself with a large piece of glass from a broken window in the Computer Lab after realizing that hours upon hours of working on his electronic portfolio would only lead to job rejections from power-hungry and controlling administrators," he added.
After telling Beckman and Walgreen to "watch their behavior," Dean Johnson was then overwhelmed by phone calls from parents who were concerned that pre-marital sex was occurring in various dorm rooms.