Portage County, Wisconsin. Sources confirmed that 43-year-old Craig Marley, an extremely talented (yet alcoholic) blog writer, went to a spiritual reading last Tuesday only to discover that he was just as lonely, miserable, confused, and unsuccessful in his previous life as he is in this one.
With the sincerest hope that he would hear something 'uplifting' in order to alleviate his profoundly massive and incurable depression, Craig was disheartened to learn that his soul had passed through a timeless window in the spiritual realm because the Universe simply didn't know what to do with him.
"I knew this individual was very sad and downtrodden when he walked into my office," 51-year-old medium, Sherry Clemens, told reporters.
"And that's what made it difficult for me to explain that he was drunkenly writing a letter to himself back in the 1800s when his horse kicked him in the head and killed him instantly," she added.
Sherry tried to comfort Mr. Marley by telling him that the letter he was writing to himself was 'really good' (and that it contained 'a most profound usage' of gerunds, infinitives, adjectives, adverbs, possessive nouns, colloquialisms, and zeugmas), but she also felt obligated to clarify that intangible parallels with his past existence are responsible for the fact that his blog has only gained 3 hits over the past 9 years.
"I can't just tell somebody that they are completely and totally fucked, " Mrs. Clemens confessed.
Not wanting to go back to his barren apartment full of empty beer bottles and notes he had written to himself about trying to stay positive, Craig sought a second opinion from another medium down the street, who informed him that (in between the 1800s and now) he was caught in barbed wire and torn to shreds by machine gun fire during World War 1 after receiving a well-written letter from his girlfriend explaining that she had found another man who was much better in the sack.