New Study Shows Tuesdays Suck Even Worse than Mondays

Written by Chrissy Benson

Tuesday, 14 May 2019

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It's true, but don't despair! Come Wednesday, everything'll be all right, says the latest weekday report.

A new study released by the Center for Disease Control revealed that while Mondays are notorious for giving people the blues, in fact, Tuesdays suck even worse.

"Mondays at least have novelty gong for them," said CDC researcher Cameron Reese. "There's adrenaline pumping, a kind of 'fuck this bullshit' attitude that keeps people from dwelling on the reality that not only has the work-week just begun, but this is their life"

By Tuesday morning, however, Reese explained, that novelty has all but evaporated, the adrenaline's been replaced by a lingering, deep-rooted malaise, and it seems to people that things have only gotten worse since the yesterday they'd somehow managed to barrel through.

Compounding the trauma of Tuesday are the general expectations people have of different days of the week. "People expect Monday to be bad," said Reese. "So they don't set themselves up to be disappointed. But then after they successfully survive the dreaded Monday, they feel like they deserve some sort of reward - and what do they get? Tuesday. The crappiest day of the week."

When asked to summarize the research results in a few short sentences, Reese stated, "There's no getting around it: Tuesdays blow."

On the plus side, though, Reese noted that, for most people, things tend to take a significant turn for the better on Wednesdays. "Suicide rates are markedly lower by Wednesday," he said. "Yes, Tuesday sucks, but don't despair! We encourage people to hang in there 'til Hump Day, and know that once they make it to Wednesday, everything'll be all right."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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