Written by Greg Schwartz

Sunday, 28 January 2007

image for New Study Reveals Shocking Correlation Between Birthdays and Age
Contrary to his claims, Al Gore did not create this article.

Gainesville, FL - Dr. Morton Engle made waves in the medical community when he released the findings of his latest research study during an impromptu press conference yesterday. The University of Florida biology professor has spent the past decade studying age-progression in humans, and with his latest discovery he may well be on his way to a long-sought Nobel Prize.

Dr. Engle's findings were compiled in a report which will be published in the New England Journal of Medicine. The hastily-scheduled press conference was held, according to an anonymous colleague, "because the bastard just couldn't wait to gloat any longer."

The results of the study reveal that a direct correlation can be drawn between the number of birthdays an individual has lived through and that person's biological age. "In fact," Dr. Engle explained yesterday, "for the majority of the subjects, the ratio of birthdays to years lived was almost one to one. Plus or minus a two percent margin of error, of course."

Dr. Engle went on to explain that in addition to the birthday-age relationship, many other important discoveries were made. "Further research is still needed, but the preliminary data suggests that individuals who have celebrated more birthdays tend to live to a higher age than those who have had less birthdays. Also, there appears to be no gender bias with respect to age. For example, males with 40 birthdays are, on average, the same age as females with 40 birthdays."

These results were met with much applause and some healthy skepticism. During the question and answer session afterward, one reporter asked, "If there is a correlation between age and birthdays, why wasn't it discovered sooner?" Another reporter commented that the data needed to be confirmed by an independent panel before he would consider it valid.

"I encourage disagreement," Dr. Engle told a small group of journalists after the press conference. "After all, without critics, there would be no one to prove wrong." According to sources close to the professor, he is already planning his next project - testing his hypothesis that children grow taller the older they become.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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Topics: Al Gore, Birthdays, Study, Age

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