Written by Wesley Janson

Saturday, 12 January 2019

image for College Student Throws Calculus Textbook At Doppelganger In Sad Attempt To Make It Go Away

Iowa. Nathan Lansky, a 19-year-old undergraduate student at St. Matthew's College, threw his calculus textbook at a doppelganger on Monday, January 7th at 10:30 pm, sincerely hoping that his act of frustration and rage would make the creepy apparition go away.

Nathan, who felt lonely over the holiday season because all of his high school friends were gone, decided to return to the abandoned campus by himself, so that he could re-study the calculus class that he failed during the Fall Semester.

As cold winter breezes occasionally rattled his dorm window on the 3rd floor of Larson Hall, Nathan desperately tried to figure out the mathematical laws of sines and cosines on his graphing calculator, without realizing that there was a demonic entity hiding in the wall across the room, above his roommate's empty bed.

Sensing that there was something behind him, Nathan turned around and saw his own face in the wall staring right back at him.

Because a young woman had hung herself in the small chapel room located in the basement of the dorm during the early 20th Century, several spiritual portals had opened up throughout the entire building.

Feeling both frustrated and terrified, Nathan threw his 348-page calculus textbook at the wall, causing the entity to take on a full-bodied form that began walking slowly toward him.

With its head spinning around at cyclonic speed, constantly revealing razor-sharp teeth and soul-piercing yellow eyes, Nathan wrote "Y=FUCK THIS SHIT!" in his notebook before pooping in his boxer briefs, running down the stairs, getting into his 2014 Buick Skylark, and driving away at 98 miles per hour.

Reporters caught up with Nathan earlier this week, and found out that he plans on giving up his studies and moving in with his newly-found, 22-year-old girlfriend, Sarah Kreis, who lives in an apartment building that was constructed on top of sacred Native American burial ground.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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