Written by Wesley Janson

Thursday, 15 November 2018

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image for Company Selects "Employee of the Month" for November

Minnesota. Thomas Darfey, 42, was recently selected as the November "Employee of the Month" at Plainfield Lumber Products, a factory that produces household furniture items as well as composite decking boards.

Thomas (or "Tommy" as he likes to be called) was given a job as a 'production custodian' in June of 2015 after he was discovered in the company parking lot staring euphorically at the ground while drooling on himself.

Although it was immediately obvious that Tommy had a plethora of extremely severe cognitive deficiencies, he has proven himself capable of pushing a broom on the production floor, sweeping up chunks of broken regrind mix, emptying the tampon disposal container in the female restroom, taking out the garbage, and operating a 'floor-sweeping machine' that requires him to turn a key before pushing it over small piles of dirt.

Tommy Darfey was asked how he felt about being the November "Employee of the Month."

"My name is Tommy, and I'm lost," he replied.

Mr. Darfey received his elementary education at St. Kathy's Home for Miracles and Second Chances, where he made it all the way to 3rd grade. His teachers noticed that he was really good at eating his own boogers, picking scabs off his head, drawing pictures of houses with no windows or doors, and falling down on his face.

Even though his education never continued after grade school, he did eventually gain both 'work' and 'travel' experience by joining a circus and serving as one of its main attractions.

Tommy Darfey currently lives in an abandoned camper in the woods outside of town. His favorite color is blue, his major hobbies include alcoholism and masturbation, and his lifelong dream is to obtain a driver's license so that he can visit all 4 corners of the State of Iowa.

Reporters asked Tommy what he likes the most about his job as a production custodian.

"My butt hurts," he told lead reporter, Sarah McKinley. "I need to go poopy," he added.

Bruce Lane, the Plant Manager, had the following to say:

"Mr. Darfey is a rather unusual individual. He can't see anything directly in front of him, he is afraid to clean the conference room because he thinks the blue carpet in there is water, and he often spends his 30-minute lunch break in the southwest corner of the factory talking to a dead bat. He also once mistook his vacuum cleaner for a woman, and we had to take it away from him. Despite all of this, however, he is a good worker. We are happy to have him as part of our team."

As Mr. Lane continued to tell reporters about the company's new Safety Incentive Program, Tommy put several pieces of aluminum foil in the break room microwave so that he could enjoy looking at the pretty colors.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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