It's been several days since reporters at The Spoof magazine reported the story of Santa Clause and his 18-reindeer being shot down over the White House by US Navy jet fighters flying for NORAD (North American Aeronautics Defense Command).
Reporters at The Washington Post reported today that a calm has come over the city in the wake of the Christmas Day event that is a calm that Washington insiders say has not been present in the city at least since JFK was assassinated and seems to be slowing everyone down like a fresh blanket of new fallen snow.
"What you're witnessing," said Dr. Sigmund Soda, chief psychologist at Bethesda Naval Hospital in Bethesda, Merryland is a culture that is pontificating death. The disintegration of Santa Clause has caused everyone in this city to slow down and think about what is important to them. Since Santa was not able to deliver all those little gadget time thieves and insidious, fluffy technological wonder holes, everyone has been forced to focus on themselves and each other.
"I'm not saying that it's a good thing that Santa was taken out that way, especially in front of the children, but it has had the effect of calming everyone down, the same effect, ironically, that the horrible events of 9/11 had four years ago, except this time, we get to be the terrorists."
"So, what you're saying here, Dr. Soda," reporters asked, "is that the nation is currently experiencing the first stage of grief and that has caused us to slow down and focus on what is important sort of like contemplating the death of a martyr like Jesus Christ or John Lenin."
"Yes, that's precisely my point."
"Are there any other traditions, maybe from other countries that might help us to slow down and not participate in so much conspicuous consumption here in this country?"
"Yes, I'm glad that you asked that question," said Dr. Soda.
"Zen Buddhism has a lot to offer, in particular, the path to Wisdom."
"The path to wisdom? Oh, what is Wisdom?" reporters asked.
"Wisdom is being able to tell the difference between a poser and the real thing, a pop star without her panties who is showing her vagina off to make a public statement, or just a publicity cunt, oh, I meant to say stunt. Freudian slip.
"It is being able to go to the bar and recognize all the Lola's and know that what s/he says to you is probably about half smoke. Being able to discern which is smoke and which is not is another story. Wisdom is developed through experience, insight and reflection and implies having to use common sense, one thing Washington has been short on lately (last 50 years)."
"Wow! Amazing! How do we achieve it?"
"You mean Wisdom?"
"Yes," replied the reporter.
"Well, the first thing you can do is to stop living so vicariously and experience your own life for a change. Stop worrying about what others think and be more concerned about yourself and how you feel about what you are doing. That is the principal known as Dukkha, the path of suffering.
"After you suffer for a little while, give or take several thousand years, then, after your soul has achieved the highest enlightenment, someone will come along and shoot you, or nail you to a cross and put you out of your earthly existence and sanctimonious misery. But this is a good thing from a publicity standpoint because it gets attention and causes people to focus on your cause.
"Then, Mel Gibson will come along and do a movie about you and you will be popularized in modern culture and your grave will be buggered by media faggots, oh, I meant to say maggots. Freudian slip. After you die, your ship will sail from the shores of Sansara where you will take a 10-day cruise to Nirvana and finally be at peace with yourself and the collective soul. We're thinking that you probably won't see Kirk Cobain in Nirvana anymore."
"Well, gee. I can't wait to get started. Thank you for this most informative and obsequious interview, Dr. Soda. Sionarra."
"You're welcome, son."
