Written by Duff

Friday, 22 December 2006

image for OAP Bob Gives Up On Being Santa Blames Italians
Bob Cobbler's been playing Santa for years

Old Bob Cobblers, who for years has been playing Santa to the kids of Evil Ridge, the notorious inner London housing estate, has decided to call it a day and hang up his Santa's beard and robes.

He told us:

"There ain't nothing in it any more boy. Not since organised crime's took over round here. There was a time I could do this job for a few tabs of 'E's' or a wrap of coke but now there's not a hope.

"Them fackin' Italian's has moved in and all they are offering me is fackin' panatone cake for Gawd's sake. Panatone fackin' cake! They're havin' a laugh!"

Local residents are saddened by the news. Bernie Debolt, a community worker on the estate, commented:

"To tell the troof like, it was one of the highlights of Christmas for the residents, seeing old Bob bombed out of his head on E or off his face on smack was a right old laugh I can tell you. Christmas has been killed this year"

A tearful Bob said:

"Well that's me done here son and now if you don't mind, I'm shooting off down Kings Cross to score a bit of whizz and pick up a bird. Cheerio ta-ta!"

And with that he was gone. We will never see his like again.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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