Written by Dave Henry

Monday, 30 April 2018

image for When Hippies Roamed the Earth: The Ligthfoot Period
The great American hippy in his natural habitat.

The 1970s were a glorious time when hippies roamed the Earth, streaking was encouraged, and you could literally throw empty beer cans out the window while driving. But there are many questions about this era that have long baffled sociologists. Many have searched for clues, for example, as to why the people from this era, known as hippies, dressed in gaudy, often flammable, garments. Others have wondered why the music of the era featured story songs about cats.

Answers to these questions have been hard to come by as the hippies are now mostly extinct, or running hedge funds. However, noted anthropologist Mark Morpheus, who has been tracking hippies for over two decades in their natural habitat, has published a new book that may shed some light on this fascinating species.

Morpheus was kind enough to share excerpts from his new book, “Evolution of Pre-Live Aid Man: The Gordon Lightfoot Period,” documenting his first encounter with them.

“Off in the distance, we heard the faint sound of music. It was light guitar strumming or heavy shoe tying, we weren’t sure which. We slowly crept closer toward the “music,” being extremely careful so as not to blow our cover. We approached a clearing in the woods and there they were –a pack of the elusive American Hippy.”

“I tried to contain my excitement at this amazing discovery, but I did not want to disturb them in their natural habitat. They were sitting around a pile of burning logs, passing around some kind of a tubular glass device which they were taking turns holding up to their mouths. It appeared to be some type of ritual that they enjoyed as they repeated it several times and seemed to be happier each time they did it.

Afterwards, they passed around what appeared to be a bag of Doritos and a box of pizza, which they would devour after each time they sucked on the glass tubular device. Primitive, yet fascinating behavior!”

“We observed four of these so-called hippies – one appeared to be a male with very long hair on his head and face while the other three looked like females of the species, also with long hair on their heads and faces. A foul odor of burnt hair, onions, and rotten eggs emitted from their bodies. They wore no shoes and the bottom of their feet were quite black. They wore loose-fitting garments that featured colorful, gaudy patterns and donned pants that belled out at the bottom. We also noticed that they used hand signals to communicate.

The male held up two fingers, the middle and index fingers, to indicate acquiescence, while the females responded by holding up two fingers in a similar manner. All the while, they seemed to be soothed by the sounds of caterwauling vocals and acoustic guitars emanating from a small, primitive electrical device with some sort of antenna sticking out of it.”

In our next instalment, Morpheus will share with us excerpts from his chapter on his first face-to-face encounter with these hippies, who called themselves Parsley, Sage, Rosemary, and Tim.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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Topics: Hippies




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