Scientists discover paisley-propensity gene

Funny story written by Flexicon

Sunday, 27 November 2011

In an important breakthrough, scientists have discovered a gene that causes a fondness for paisley. This gene, which was discovered on chromosome 11, nestled between addictive personality and porphyria, is known as PKGUM2.

Although the presence of PKGUM2 is a strong indicator for a future paisley problem, scientists stress that carriers still have a good chance of living fulfilling lives, as long as they remain mindful of their condition.

An amniocentesis to detect PKGUM2 is not yet available,but there are precautions that can be taken to minimise the effects of this rogue gene.

Expectant mothers are being advised to consume a carnivorous diet of red meat and animal fats, and avoid making any sort of curry with vegetables or lentils.

While the jury is still out on whether music has any effect on the foetus, it is recommended to avoid listening to all musicians starting with the letter 'J'. In particular: Janis Joplin, Jim Morrison, Jethro Tull, Jimi Hendrix and Jefferson Airplane. Also on the 'best to avoid' list: peace signs, two-tone Kombi vans, macramé and bandanas.

Parents should be alert for indications of paisley-propensity. Signs that your child may be susceptible include a desire to tie-dye, the creation of bright, swirly artwork and parting their hair straight down the middle. If you notice any of these activities, it is important not to panic. Early detection provides the best chance of recovery from this sartorial scourge so contact your nearest genetic laboratory immediately to arrange a complimentary intervention. However, should your child tell you to "relax, man", it may be more serious, and a 12-step program will probably be required.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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