After years of swirling rumors, Fox News political commentator Charles Krauthammer has officially denied that he is the leader of the dreaded 'Lizard People', an army of shape-shifting reptilian aliens sent to earth to gain power and manipulate human societies.
"I've had quite enough of the ludicrous hearsay," Mr. Krauthammer said while scooping up a grasshopper with his tongue. "And it's time to put the ridiculous accusation to rest."
Mr. Krauthammer's wife, Delores, was also eager to kill the falsehood.
"My husband has never been a high-ranking reptoid," she said while changing colors. "And how on god's earth can Charles Krauthammer be the leader of the Lizard People when everyone knows that reptiles are inherently liberal?"
Charles Krauthammer's grandchildren, Lizzie and Rocky, also came to the their grandfather's defense.
"Grandpa isn't a lizard!", Lizzie happily shouted while avoiding the jaws of a snake. "Even though he likes to stay under the sand all day when we go to the beach."
"And there's no way he's one of the Lizard People!" Rocky added as he was being scooped up by Petco. "Even though he can go without water for three months."
Neil Fussman II, the President of The Reptilian Conspiracy Society, laughed off Charles Krauthammer's denial of being the ruler of the Lizard People.
"What are you kidding me?," he asserted while thumbing through "Bigfoot: The Untold Truth". "He's got all the reptoid features;
the almond-shaped eyes, the scaly skin and the sloping cranium. He's even got a tail, but nobody ever sees it because Charles is sitting down all the time, and maybe that's why he's in a wheelchair - to hide his tail!
And to further prove that Charlie Boy leads the Lizard Brigade," Mr. Fussman added, "Krauthammer has lunch with the Geico gecko three times a week, and when he sticks his tongue out and rapidly moves it around, he's not poking fun at MSNBC. He's tasting the air around him!
And I've got to go now" Mr. Fussman concluded as he stormed off into a crowd. "..to battle the 3 latest recruits to the Reptilian Army - Celine Dion, Benedict Cumberbatch and that lady who does all the Progressive Insurance commercials."
When Robert Fussman I, Neil's father, was reached for comment, he firmly, as well as sadly said, "My son, Neil, has issues. And if I told him once, I've told him a million times to never do a interview without taking his medication."
Back at the Fox News Studio in New York City, Charles Krauthammer was optimistic about quashing the 'lizard issue' once and for all.
"I hope my comments will dispel this bizarre, incongruous and ultimately grotesque folly about who I truly am. And now if you'll excuse me," Mr. Krauthammer added. "I have to go lay my eggs."