Puerto Rico Secedes from U. S., Annexes to Spain

Written by Ralph E. Shaffer

Saturday, 30 September 2017

San Juan, Puerto Rico.Angered by the catastrophic failure of the United States to provide immediate aid to his hurricane-ravaged territory, Gov. Ricardo Rossello today announced that Puerto Rico's territorial legislature had voted overwhelmingly to secede from the U. S. an again become a territory of Spain. Only a handful of legislators voted no on the secession measure.

"Nearly two weeks after hurricane Irma devastated our island, we are still waiting for the distribution of aid promised by the United States. Despite the assurances of the president that the relief program is 'going beautifully, beautifully,' people are dying in the remote parts of our homeland."

The island's delegate to congress, Jenniffer Gonzalez, left Washington immediately after being informed of the secession vote. "While I love America, I feel like Robert E. Lee. My duty is to my country, and my country is Puerto Rico. Long live the U.S.A., and long live my homeland, Puerto Rico."

Alejandro Fuentes, professor of political science at the territorial university, welcomed the annexation. "Puerto Rico has a much longer history of association with Spain than it has with the U . S. Four centuries as a colony of Spain created a cultural connection that a century under U. S. domination couldn't diminish. We are Spanish, not American."

Just what President Donald Trump will do is unclear. His first response, to a reporter informing him of the secession vote, was disbelief. After confirming that the island had indeed seceded, Trump brazenly declared: "We could totally destroy the place, but the hurricane has already done that." After a moment, he added: "At least the spics didn't annex to Cuba." He immediately recalled all U. S. aid workers, military and civilian, from the island.

At day's end, special forces units and navy seals were reportedly embarking from Florida ports.

Russia had immediately offered to establish missile bases near San Juan, but Rossello had not indicated his willingness to accept them

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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