America get ready for President Pence, so says former GOP Speaker John "J-Bone" Boehner in a conversation with CNN's Kris Godzilla.
"He's destroying the presidency," Boehner sobbed before regaining his composure.
"Look, behind closed doors Republican are already talking about the president's deposement, impeachment, or mental breakdown as a foregone conclusion, the only question is which circus to send him to once this goes down."
"Ringling is privately saying they want to get away from human torture and freak-show types of entertainment. He has little chance of joining a major show, so it looks like the president will become a carny after he leaves office if he doesn't go to jail."
Boehner asked to cut the interview short as he became emotional over the talk of circuses and carnies, which reminded him of his own childhood.
Presidential attack dog attorney Jay Sukalog defended the president against the allegations that he would be removed from office. After eating a breakfast of broken glass and rusty nails, Sukalog made the rounds on cable and network TV and little flecks of metal and glass occasionally flew from the lawyers mouth as he spoke.
"These stories don't deserve to be responded to other than to say they are completely wrong and mis-characterized," Sukalog barked.
Vice President Pence has remained quiet about taking the reins as POTUS and only issued a statement of support for his boss's policies.
"I remain steadfast behind the president's ban on trans-gender Mexican and Muslim immigrants in order to keep our brothels safe."