Written by T. Loaf

Sunday, 19 February 2017

Following President Trump's extraordinary press conference this week, new measures are to be introduced at the White House to accommodate journalists. As in aircraft, they will be shown where the nearest exit doors are, prior to commencement. Oxygen masks will fall from the ceiling should the President tell any of his infamous untruths, and sick bags are tucked under their seats for when the President attempts to pursue any line of reasoning. All chairs will be fitted with a red button to ensure guests can call for assistance, if required.

Shortly after the conference, a dead body was found, face down, in the Lincoln Memorial Reflecting Pool. Police announced the death of Hannah Walcott of the Kansas Gazette. "It's a clear case of suicide", explained a local sheriff. "Many journalists simply lose the will to live after listening to Trump at such close quarters, and give up." Staff at the newspaper were not available for comment, though allegations that the paper has now been compulsorily shut down by the Trump administration have yet to be confirmed.

Other journalists had complained of feeling extreme nausea during and after the event. Ambulances and emergency medical services were on site to treat estranged and vilified guests.

"We are also considering face masks", said a White House official. "Many fear that Trumpism may be viral, and are loathe to inhale in the same room as him. Oxygen tents have also been requested, but we feel that might appear exaggerated." For the next conference, a room nearby will relay Trump's comments via Tannoy to guests who do not wish to endure his body language.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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