President Trump has launched an innovative program to get rid of books that he says are misleading the American public.
The Trump Fahrenheit 451 program will start with all novels being removed from libraries.
"I've been told these books are full of things that never even happened," the President said. "What's that about?! I hear some of these books include murder, rape, drug use, all kinds of terrible things!"
Asked to give an example, the President said that apparently many high school students are forced to read a book called MacBeth.
"You ever heard of it?" he asked. "I hear it shows leaders in a very bad light. They kill people, they have no sense of right and wrong, there's even witchcraft! No wonder the youth gangs in Chicago are killing thousands of tourists every day, if that's what they're reading!"
"Fiction is just fake facts," the President said. "So bad, so out of control. No more novels until we figure out what's going on."
He added, "We're also gonna get rid of so-called science books that contain fake facts like evolution and climate change. And books on useless topics. Philosophy, ethics, art--give me a break!"
The President dismissed protests by librarians. "Have you noticed how many librarians look like Hilary?" he asked. "You think that's a coincidence?"
The President revealed that the offending books will be burned in celebration of The National Day of Jubilation (formerly known as "Donald Trump's Birthday").
"The book fires are going to be tremendous," the President stated. "The most beautiful bonfires of books in 90 to 100 years. Tremendous bonfires everywhere, beautiful!"
Textbooks will not be included in the Fahrenheit 451 program; instead, they will be used to make bricks for the wall on the border with Mexico.
"We're going to charge the Mexicans for those books," the President said. "And if they don't pay on time, there will be fines. Huge late fines like you've never seen."
The President denied that he's never read a book. Asked his favorite, he couldn't recall the title, but he said the characters, Dick and Jane, were tremendous.