Presidential hopeful Donald Trump has said that after leading the US he would like to be Pope next.
"I'd be a great Pope," the orange pussy-grabber stated. "I'd run the Vatican like a business. And we'd let women in. Really nice women."
Political analyst Stacey Obvious said that Mr Trump is considering his future should he fail to win the US election on Tuesday, which seems increasingly likely. She explained, "As an old man there are relatively few active jobs the demented billionaire can go for. Of course he can't just enjoy a quiet retirement because as an arrogant narcissistic control freak he wants to be in a public high status role."
The Vatican has not responded to Trump's latest statement but priests are said to be terrified of the prospect. One said worriedly, "As part of the Pope's initiation, his balls have to be inspected to check he isn't female. I'd hate to have to inspect Trump's tiny orangutang nuts!"