Written by pinkwalrus

Wednesday, 21 September 2016

image for Dolphins Offer Widespread Election-Season Cheering Through New Communicator
Had a hard day? Want to talk about it?

Stories throughout the ages tell of dolphins aiding drowning, shipwrecked sailors. Now dolphins are offering the American public aid in an unprecedented way.

Dolphins Among Us, a Florida based non-profit, just perfected a patented human-dolphin communication device. Using the device dolphins along several U.S. shores told researchers they know much of the U.S. population is depressed, agitated and demoralized during this combative time before the 2016 presidential election.

They offer immediate help.

Using this new communicator device, a DolphSpeak, the dolphins will man underwater help lines. Temporary shoreline facilities where dolphins speak directly by phone to troubled individuals have already been constructed in Florida, California, and Hawaii.

Starting with 200 bottlenose dolphins rotating to provide 24 hour coverage, dolphins will take phone calls from now through Tuesday, November 8th from anyone who is getting overwhelmed by all the negativity.

Known for their cheerful and playful disposition, the dolphins offer a strong dose of positivity. So far their calls have been exceptionally successful.

On the whole, the marine mammals tend to recommend a lot of play, food and time with friends for distressed callers. In addition, they encourage time spent in baths, hot tubs, pools, rivers, and oceans. They also support plenty of sex.

On a side note, researchers were keen to mention that the dolphins wish to pass on their support to Noodle, the porpoise. "Well played Noodle."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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