Parrot Beheading Mars July 4 Celebrations, Police Suspect Foul Play

Funny story written by Don Grapper

Tuesday, 5 July 2016

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Police Sketch Artist Drawing Of Parrot Decapitated At July 4th Party - FBI believes the victim may have been a fish

Baltimore, MD - A foul mouthed parrot who had recently been featured on the news as a potential crime witness was beheaded during July 4 celebrations in a ghetto apartment complex court in Baltimore last night.

The owner of the parrot, Curtis Leroy Jefferson, attended the celebration with the bird on his shoulder.

"That was unusual," said a witness.

As night fell and the makeshift explosions and firework detonating commenced, an errant bottle rocket equipped with an M-40 firecracker came flying out of nowhere, landed in the parrot's open, mouth, and exploded - forever removing the bird's head.

"Usually when a parrot loses their head, it comes off in one piece," said Professor Charles LeCap of Johns Hopkins Taxodermy Community Education Extension Program. "But when the head is blown to smithereens, its more or less a Humpty Dumpty situation, only the wall Humpty Dumpty was sitting on was in Hiroshima the day death rained from the sky."

LeCap said that, though rare, he has seen other cases of birds whose heads were blown to smithereens.

"The owner generally has to wait for another bird to die, then we saw its head off and put it on the old bird, if he wants to stuff it and put it on his mantle to freak people out," he said.

LeCap went on to say that he can saw the bird's head off for a fee, but most people do it themselves to cut back on costs.

"I charge exorbitant rates," he said. "And use muscle to make other providers do the same."

LeCap said Baltimore his a deeply corrupt city and his open admission to running a price fixing racket was "the norm around here" and warned this reporter that "you'd better keep your fuckin' mouth shut if you don't want to end up like that bird."

Curtis Leroy Jefferson, the owner of the bird, is a suspect in a string of drug related killings in Baltimore. Police reported that his bird has been saying that he wants "a fuckin' cracker bitch" and "gimme a fuckin' cracker or I'll fuckin' smoke your ass like I did Tryone Motherfuckin' Jackson June 12th at around 11:30 pm as he was walking out of his apartment on W.3rd street, holding a TJ Max bag with his dirty undies in it."

Investigators are looking into whether Jefferson brought the bird on his shoulder as part of a criminal conspiracy. Criminologists remain skeptical.

"I'm no phrenologist," said Dr. Crapaldi of Maryland University Criminology Studies," but these photos of Mr. Jefferson, from a 19th century perspective, indicate to me that he can't add two and two, much less conceive an ingenious plot to have his parrot's head blown off at a July 4 celebration. He just got lucky, that's all."

Jefferson has been transferred to a psychological ward of a Baltimore Area hospital. Following the explosion, he has only been speaking French.

"It could be some kind of a elaborate ploy," a doctor who wanted to remain anonymous said. "But there's no reason for it. He could have just strangled the bird and flushed it down the toilet. That's not unheard of."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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