WASHINGTON -- The Department of Agriculture yesterday proclaimed safe for mass production and civilian use an experimental "cyborg approximation" of Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice.
The Condi (Model C) 200 series will be nearly identical to the actual Rice but will be available with gene-spliced variants to meet needs of government, industry, family, and singles, the department said in a press release.
Haliburton will produce the cyborgs in a former drone airplane factory near Waco, Texas.
The product could be purchased to fill many potential niches, from head of state or foreign minister, to Russian language or ballroom dance instructor, piano teacher, personal trainer, success coach, chess, bridge or badminton partner, opera companion, alarm clock, scold, and dominatrix.
Riggs Morley, a spokesman for Haliburton, said the Model C 200 will sell for an estimated $200,000 per copy, or $2,000,000 for a set of twelve.
"Suppose a President or Prime Minister wants a foreign secretary who will bite her tongue and go along with whatever he wants," he said. "Then we would recommend the basic 200 model, which is identical to Ms. Rice in every respect," Morley said.
"A foreign leader seeking an advisor who will speak her mind would be better off buying model 200A, in which the don't-rock-the-boat gene has been short-circuited. Model 200B would combine that forthrightness with a willingness to perform acrobatic stunts and card tricks."
Morley said governments in such assassination-plagued countries as Lebanon and Iraq should consider buying the set of 12 and a special package of replacement parts.
The U.S. government developed a Condi cyborg prototype -- the Model C 100 -- for use as a security decoy and commencement speaker. Rice is a co-holder of the Condi patent and will share in the profits.