Nationally Syndicated Life Coach Throws in the Towel

Funny story written by Matt Birkenhauer

Friday, 12 September 2014

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PORTLAND, OR-- Vitalia Effervesce, nationally known Life Coach and host of the daily advice show Shine On You, committed suicide Monday by downing a bottle of Xanax washed down with a fifth of Jim Beam.

Effervesce, author of the New Age bible Let Your Light Shine Thru, and its equally successful sequel, Let Your Light Shine Anew, was reportedly having personal and financial difficulties at the time of her untimely death.

Friends say Effervesce's problems began last year when someone sued her at one of her Life Mastery Counseling Centers for advice that led, the plaintiff claimed, to financial ruin and to her electricity being shut off for nonpayment of her bills.

Her difficulties were only compounded when Effervesce discovered that her husband of twenty-seven years, Reiki Master Matthew Lightning Bolt Effervesce, ran off with a younger woman, whom he was seeing at the time for craniosacral therapy sessions to deal with his worsening osteoarthritis.

Close friends say that Vitalia, a Private Intuitive by training, did not see her husband's infidelity coming.

To help her deal with her deteriorating life situation and her messy house, Effervesce apparently had recently hired a Feng Shui consultant. Investigating officers at the scene believe Effervesce was attempting to call the Feng Shui consultant shortly before she killed herself, but dialed the wrong number, reaching instead the local pizzeria.

Effervesce's family say that she will not be buried but will instead regress to one of her past lives and start over again.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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