EVERYWHERE--In a blow to New Age enthusiasts worldwide, a spokesperson for the universe announced today that Mr. Universe would begin, in April, charging user fees whenever someone asks for a favor and is granted one.
Said a spokesperson for the universe, a dwarf galaxy named Omega Centauri, "Ever since the publication of The Secret, the universe has been inundated, day in and day out, with requests for everything ranging from a new job to a new soul mate to asking that the petitioner's cat reach a 'better place,' whatever the hell that means. My boss, who works very hard I might add, just thinks that he should be able to make a few bucks off of his tireless efforts to make everyone's life just a little bit more bearable in this vale of tears. After all, look at all the money Rhonda Byrne made off of that silly, poorly written book on the so-called 'law of attraction.' I'll tell you one thing--if Mr. Universe wasn't so generous in granting favors in the first place, The Secret would still be what its title purports it to be: a little-known secret."
Neil deGrasse Tyson, on the new FOX series Cosmos, interviewed the universe about the real secret behind the law of attraction. Said Mr. Universe: "Well, Neil, there really is no 'secret' behind it. If somebody wants something badly enough, they'll work their ass off for it, and there's no guarantee even then that I'll grant their wish. However, if they're willing to pay for it--maybe, depending on the scope of the wish, $50.00 to $200.00 or even $300.00 bucks--then maybe I'll make it happen.
"Unless, of course, they live in a third world country. Then they're fucked, because the law of attraction, as anyone with half a brain knows, only applies to people who live in countries that have the wherewithal to provide their populations with a basic subsistence level to survive. This is the 'secret' Byrne never really delves into in her book, and apparently her adoring fans have never really thought much about this, either . . ."
