Tybee Island Beefs Up Security To Ruin "Orange Crush"

Written by D P Whitehead

Friday, 18 April 2014

image for Tybee Island Beefs Up Security To Ruin "Orange Crush"
But of Course - They Want Your Money......

The city of Tybee Island's Secret Intelligence Unit has learned via social media that Orange Crush will likely be taking place on April 19. (It was a tweet). Tybee staff and police want to communicate exactly what steps are being taken as a city to deal with this event and to provide information about preparations citizens and businesses may want to take.

Much like other coastal communities make plans for dealing with large groups of unsupervised youth during Spring Break, the city of Tybee will be taking extra precautions for the sake of the cleanliness of the beach, the preservation of Tybee's natural environment and wildlife, and, most importantly, the safety of our residents, visitors and stakeholders.

Some precautions include:

5,000 extra police officers have been drafted in.

20,000 High powered tasers to be used on visitors (mainly black people and autistic or handicapped kids) issued to Tybee residents.

A shoot to kill policy introduced for litterers.

A highly untrained police unit to carry grab and snatch raids on teenage girls who are having fun.

Road blocks to be set up to prevent non-christians entering the city limits.

The Tybee Police Department has arranged for extra inexperienced, trigger happy and corrupt police officers from nearby jurisdictions to be on Tybee for the duration of the afternoon of the 19th and into the early morning hours of the 20th. More than 20,000 officers are expected on the island.

Ambulances will be stationed on the island for all those beaten senseless or tasered or even shot by police and angry Tybee residents.

The city of Tybee will be using social media in the upcoming weeks to inform Orange Crush participants about island rules and regulations along with the fines and punishments for each infraction. These rules will be aggressively enforced as they are every other day of the year, but ethnic minorities and handicapped people can expect double fines.

Visitors are obviously asked to clean their own belongings and trash from the beach. There will be extra trash and recycling receptacles placed on the beach, and all litter ordinances will be enforced whenever violations are found. These ordinance punishments now include public lynchings.

Tybee Mayor Jason Buelterman will be personally communicating via Twitter. He can be followed at @jasonbuelterman - monitoring his stormtroopers from his underground bunker.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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