New Squirrel Crust & Moose Meat Pizza Outrages and Intrigues

Funny story written by Cool Papa Bell

Thursday, 17 April 2014

Dominik's Pizza has announced that it has launched a new specialty pizza with a squirrel-based crust, a move that has many mouths watering and animal activists frothing.

The Rocket J. Squirrel Specialty Pizza is available to customers today at the Dominik's in Frostbite Falls, Minn., the town that inspired the pizza, and all across the world on Monday. The new item features a tender, smashed squirrel-based crust, with sauce, cheese and optional vegetables, meats and squirrel fur.

In a release from Dominik's, the company said it has added "moose meat" as a topping and is also recommending the new Rocky and Bullwinkle Specialty Pizza.

"We try to be innovative in developing new pizza creations," said Dominik's spokeswoman Natasha Fatale. "We have high hopes that our squirrel pizza and our squirrel and moose pizza will be a huge success, despite the protests."

One animal rights activist was the first to voice its displeasure with the new pizza.

"Squirrels should be scraped off the road and disposed of properly, not used as a pizza crust by a national chain, which by the way serves lousy vegetarian pizza,'' said Dr. Velveeta Pants. "And who in the world eats moose meat except for Sarah Palin and people in Minnesota."

Fatale said Dominik's respects Dr Pants' stance but that she should realize that there are many fervent consumers of animal meat across the world.

"Pepperoni and sausage are probably the most popular toppings we have," said Fatale. "And while it's disgusting to picture what they're made from and how they're produced, once they are in your mouth and your stomach, it really doesn't matter."

Dominik's had failed in several previous attempts with novelty items, including the Foghorn Leghorn Raise the Rooster Pizza; the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Mutated Turtle Meat Pizza; and the Underdog Here I Am to Savor the Day Pizza, served mostly in Asian countries.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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