ALMOST HEAVEN, WV - The West By God Virginia Teachers' Union is up in arms over a proposed dress code for the state's educators, which forbids flip-flops, jeans, tank tops, and facial piercings, among other "attire."
"How dare they tell me how to dress!" an irate union member whined.
What really "frosted my shorts," complained Susie Q, who asked to remain nameless, "is the prohibition against thong panties": "What I wear below the belt is my business, not theirs!"
Many of her students, especially males, she added, have complimented her on her attire.
"They say they love my undies," she declared.
Junior high school Janet Lee Melone teacher, said she is put off by the dress code's requirement that female teachers wear brassieres. "It's sexist," she said, "to make women wear bras but allow men to go braless."
Besides, she contends, she looks good without a bra.
One of her students, Melvin agreed. "Janet has some nice pokies!"
Principal Ima Prude said she cannot understand why any teacher would object to the proposed dress code. "We're simply asking teachers to dress with the same level of modesty that their students exhibit."
"Well, it's a big issue for us," Madeline ("I-as-mad-as-hell-and-I'm-not-going-to-take-it-anymore") Hatter insisted. "we're not children, and we shouldn't be told how to dress."
Principal Prude said that the teachers may not like it, but school officials "can and will dictate" how teachers dress in the workplace.
"We have a lot of impressionable children in our care," she observed, "and they're not here to see teachers flaunt breasts and buttocks, except in sex ed classes."
The sex ed teacher, Prude said, would be "exempt" from the dress code's requirements, but all other teachers would be expected to adhere to "all thee hundred pages" of mandates.