SOMEWHERE FAR FROM THE RAINBOW--In light of the passage of what opponents are calling "Jesus Crow Laws," which allow businesses to discriminate against gays as an expression both of their religious liberty and their love of Jesus, state lawmakers in Arizona are proposing a bill that would equip drones in their state with gaydars, to help their persecuted businessmen and women tailor their businesses only to straight people who, like themselves, love Jesus.
Explained one sponsor of the bill, Rep. Jedidiah Abraham Crampton: "Our Christian Shield Bill is not meant to harm or take out anyone at all from the LGBT community. It's just our way of assisting our constituents who love Jesus more than the gays to distinguish between those who follow the straight and narrow path, and those who don't. We would never equip these drones with actual weapons to harm or kill the gays. We hate the sin, not the sinner, but we reserve the right, to preserve our religious liberty and model our love of Jesus, to distinguish between the sinner and those who follow Jesus."
Anderson Cooper, of CNN, interviewed Jesus, one of the featured speakers at this year's Gay and Lesbian Alliance Conference to be held this summer in Detroit, about the Christian Shield Bill. Said Jesus: "I'm not sure what these people were actually doing all those years in Vacation Bible School. I suspect a good percentage of them had their Bibles open in front of them but their fingers up their ass. I don't understand how any of my followers could read large parts of the New Testament and derive such bigotry, such hatred, from those pages that advocate, again and again, tolerance and love. But then I'm not, and never have been, a Republican."
Jan Brewer, the current Republican governor of the state that famously opposed Martin Luther King Day in the mid 1980s, will probably sign the bill into law this week. Following that, the Grand Canyon State is expected to change its name to the Big Asscrack State.
