FAIRFAX, VA--In a legal move to avoid having to prove that an armed person felt physically threatened when discharging his weapon, Wayne LaPierre, CEO and Bullshitter-in-Chief for the National Rifle Association, is now calling for SOS, or Shoot on Suspicion Laws, to replace the current Stand Your Ground Laws that have come under increasing legal scrutiny as white guys shoot black guys for, well, being black or listening to loud music.
Explained LaPierre: "This is a dangerous world we now live in, inhabited by scary people who aren't white and who listen to rap music and other forms of music that white people don't get and don't like. We have to protect ourselves against perceived threats before they become actual threats. The Second Amendment, which comes directly from our Judeo-Christian heritage, gives us the right to shoot these people if we suspect they might harm us or our families."
Said Jed Smarm, a Second Amendment lawyer employed by the NRA to make our country more malevolent--er, danger-free--"The thing about proving that someone is physically threatening you is that you run into all kinds of legal problems, like proving that someone was really physically threatening you at the time you discharged your weapon. With SOS Laws, we avoid that legal gray area. After all, how do you prove or disprove a suspicion? As a legal strategy, it's brilliant!"
"Take Michal Dunn, for example. His defense team has to try to prove that this carful of black kids were actually threatening him. Had he shot at them simply because he suspected them of hurting him and his fiancée, he'd be a free man now, instead of a murderer."
At that point, someone at the press conference where this new strategy was being unveiled shot Wayne LaPierre in the head, on the suspicion that he is, indeed, a dangerous asshole. Local law enforcement officers are still deciding whether or not to press charges.
