Obama Establishes New Department of Euphemism and Sententia

Written by G. Brookings

Thursday, 11 July 2013

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The so-called coup d'etat in Egypt - while no doubt difficult for Egyptians - is causing all manner of trouble for the Obama administration. If anyone in the administration utters this quaint French phrase, even in jest, even once with their fingers crossed behind their backs, US law requires a cut-off of aid to Egypt. But no one wants that. So, what do we call the situation there?

To help the President deal with such trivial, yet pressing, challenges, the Administration has announced that a new cabinet-level department - the Department of Euphemism and Sententia - has been formed and is, in fact, already hard at work. The following clarifications have just been released to the press by the temporary head of the new agency, Presidential Apologist Jay Carney:

1. There was no coup in Egypt; instead US Intelligence Services have detected large and unstructured community meetings in Tahir Square. "Democracy can be messy," the department reminds us.

2. Obamacare is not in trouble; it is inevitable. Also, we are reminded that "it is more important to get it right than to get it fast."

3. The delay in implementing Obamacare's employer mandate was not a political ploy to avoid damaging democrats' prospects in the coming mid-term elections. We are reminded that "it is more important to get it right than to get it fast."

4. The President's poll numbers are not falling; the President is in fact rising above his poll numbers, phoenix-like. We are reminded that "a prophet is not without honor, but in his own country, except in this country, where the prophet is honored."

5. The President is not pulling out of Afghanistan in a snit at things Hamid Karzai has said about him; Hamid Karzai is actually a large sock puppet. We are reminded that "Elmo is also a puppet and often appears to say wicked things, which are really said by someone else."

6. The US did not mishandle events in Benghazi; there is no such place as Benghazi and there were no events there. So-called Benghazians are reminded that "if there is no place like home, it means that you are probably homeless."

7. The President is not conducting a war on coal; what would we put in the Christmas stockings of bad Republicans if that were true? No, the President loves coal, especially when it is mined in China or India. We are reminded that "global warming begins at home."

8. The Administration is not the least fiscally responsible administration in history; it has been shown that if the effects of the George Bush presidency could be subtracted from history, the Obama budget policy would be balanced, if not in surplus. We are reminded that "great progress has already been made, but that there is more to do."

9. Of the so-called scandals at the IRS, the NSA and so forth, no records can be found. We are reminded that "silence is golden, except when it is compulsory, then it is better than gold."

10. It is not true that someone has stolen the tenth clarification. This space was intentionally left blank. We are reminded that "What is inexpressible is inexhaustible in its use."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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