US Will Finally Arm Syrian Rebels, Kind Of, Sort Of

Funny story written by mikewadestr

Sunday, 23 June 2013


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I see what you're doing! You perverted little fuck!

After months of wrangling over the consequences of arming the good Al Qaeda infiltrated Syrian Freedom fighters against the Evil-R-Us regime of Syrian President I-Kill-You Assad, US President Barack Obama has announced a compromise proposal in which everyone will be thoroughly dissatisfied with.

Holding a press conference from inside a refrigerator with two gallons of sour milk at the undisclosed location of 65-31 Hut-Hut-Hike sports bar in NW Washington DC Obama is quoted as saying:

"Hey all, before I start, can someone get me a couple of blankets or at least just pull the fucking refrigerator plug out. It's cold as shit in here. Better yet, it would be nice if one of you could pop a couple of holes in the refrigerator door so that I can breathe".

"Well today is an historic moment. Or is it? What is this crap about having an "an" in front of a word that begins with a consonant? Geez, so the Brits don't pronounce their 'H's so why the hell do we have to do the same here. I mean if the Beatles sang the song 'Elp' they bloody well should have named it that way".

"It's a damn good thing that I like Bass Ale".

"But, hey", continued a shivering Obama. "As far as everyone getting their Viagra pills in a bunch, we are implementing the American strategy of arming the "freedom fighters" without arms to decrease the chance of victorious Al Qaeda infiltrated Syrian Freedom fighters from killing us with the arms that we gave them".

"Our strategy is akin to how to handle Captain Crunch. You see Al Qaeda is bad in Afghanistan but good in Syria. Captain Crunch is good in a box and a bowl but not on the floor. You know what I mean. Can Captain Crunch stab you with his sword if he is in a box? Just remember to poor milk on him real fast when he is in a bowl. That's kind of important too"

"What we are going to do is to give the "Freedom" fighters incomplete arms, incomplete in the fact that all the arms are going to be missing very important parts as well as ammunition mismatches. The weapons will be "assembly required" and the directions will be written in Navajo. Heck, we're even going to give them some World War I ammunitions that are painted with Betty Boop pinup girls".

"We'll give them the customer support number for Crank of America. If anyone knows how to ditch a customer it's them. But really, what are they going to do if they do put the fuckers together? Blow up Miami? Geez, cry me a river, just think of the money we will save on social security payments. Hell, from Florida can't vote anyway. Is anybody really going to miss them"?

"So America can rest assured that the Syrian "Freedom" fighters will not be harming us, but, believe me the things that we have come up with on the NSA wiretapping of emails, phone conversations and other electronic internet data transfers will. Right, Joe NoBlokey! How much are you willing to spend for us to keep that phone conversation between you and Dominatrix Beat-Your-Balls from going public?"

"In conclusion, I am really fucking hungry for a bowl of Captain Crunch. That is with the milk being poured on really fast".

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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