Written by dutch

Sunday, 10 February 2013

image for Alex Jones Claims Eating KFC will make men develop breasts

Alex Jones has gone on the "Conspiracy Do-Dah Channel" and ranted that the government is trying to make men impotent by spiking everyday foods with aspartame.

He appeared live on air and ranted that if he puts Tomato Ketchup on his beef burger it will cause his penis to go limp and flaccid.

"I'm telling you if you put ketchup on your burger and fries you will go as limp as a daisy and be ready to put on a short skits and lipstick".

The angry conspiracy theorist claimed that the elite are trying to make men impotent so they won't father any babies.

He said, "Aspartame is in all the foods that you eat and the illuminati are trying to use this as a population control." The extreme, conspiracy theorist claimed that the elitist Zionists are trying to force Americans to become obese and then to spike the diet food with poisonous chemicals which are making everyone into hermaphrodites.

Alex ranted, "Aspartame is made out of slug and snail slime the illuminati must be laughing themselves daft, they are poisoning us with waste products which are making men effeminate.

Chunky Alex downed a large diet coke and a burger and fries with reduced sugar ketchup. "He smirked after swigging that coca-cola I am a faggot and am ready to wear to dress up like a drag-queen and sing like a Bee Gee."

He told Americans to not consume aspartame as it was part of a conspiracy to make men into homosexuals to stop them having kids and to undermine society. The furious conspiracy theorist said, "I am not allowing my kids to consume diet coke or any Weight Watchers products. I would rather my boy is a fat bastard than a queer!"

The irate conspiracy theorist ranted on for half-an-hour until he was red as a beetroot and then downed a root-beer to quench his thirst. He said, "It is all right if you consume full sugar products which are made by old biddies at bake sales at church fairs." He warned his viewers, "Whatever you do, do not consume Kentucky Fried Chicken, because it is pumped full of hormones and you will develop man-boobs."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

Do you dream of being a comedy news writer? Click here to be a writer!

Stop - Warning

The story you are trying to access may cause offense, may be in poor taste, or may contain subject matter of a graphic nature.

This story was written as a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

To confirm you have acknowledged this warning, and wish to continue to read the article, please click the following link.

Otherwise, please click here to go back to the home page.

Mailing List

Get Spoof News in your email inbox!

Go to top
72 readers are online right now!
Globey, The Spoof's mascot

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more