Brooke Astor strikes back

Funny story written by queen mudder

Tuesday, 15 August 2006

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No victim: Brooke Astor

New York, New York - ( ReUterus & AssoCIAted Mess): Aging centenarian former socialite Brooke Astor, 104, has filed a counter-suit in the Lower Manhattan District Court after members of her family threatened to cut off her care allowance and accused her in public last week of being a spiteful old hag running organised crime cartels under the aegis of the Ancient American Order of the Skull 'N' Bones.

Legal papers filed by the feisty and cunning materfamilias of the Astor clan allege that far from being cooped up in her East-Side $50 million condo living off slimy gruel and sleeping rough on a soiled old horse-blanket, Brooke Astor has been living it up as usual and is entirely compos mentis enough to continue her relentless lifelong campaign of intimidating the White House, the Pentagon, both Houses of Congress, the CIA, the FBI, the NSA, the US Justice Department and the relative newcomer on the block the Department for Homeland Insecurity.

The move comes after senior officials in the Justice Department threaten to blow the whistle on the fiendishly expurgated breeding history of this remorseless harridan who has spent all three former husbands' fortunes concealing that she is the blood-mother of Nancy Reagan.

And that Nancy too was a secret teenage mum after Frank Sinatra penetrated her embonpoint and she fell pregnant with one of the Bonesmen's secret weapons - the doppelganger lookalike who became Laura Bush after the original Laura OD'd on arsenic rather than form a dynastic marriage with George Walker Bush.

Astor's attorneys are expected to launch a formidable attack on the ageing matriarch's relatives, including her son and grandson, who have eyed the rich pickings in her last will and testicle and are squabbling in public about who has her best interests at heart while she is still alive and capable of being interned in a psychiatric facilitiy.

Connoisseurs of twentieth century American organised crime have noted in the US press this week that Brooke Astor was forced to close down her third husband's charitable foundation in 1997 after the FBI proved that she had used it as a stink-tank to smear senior Justice Department officials who had threatened to expose her fifty year involvement with KGB officers masquarading as bona fide politicians.

And that her use of the Skull 'N' Bones network of corrupt public figures associated with the Riggs Bank had successfully concealed the KGB careers of both Ronnie Raygun and George Bush Senior - to her own pecuniary advantage and to that of the Riggs Bank shareholders.

This startling news comes at a time of great stress and conflict on the US political stage as the Democratic Party dumps its former forerunner Joe Lieberman from the November elections.

And as George Walker Bush prepares for the greatest hoax of the American electorate ever - the rebranding of Arnold Schwarzenneger as a US-born President-in-the Wings, waiting to take over the Bush Administration's mantle in the War Against Terra.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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