Written by Dr. Billingsgate

Wednesday, 19 December 2012

image for Frozen Butterball Turkey Revived By Cryogenic Scientist

BILLINGSGATE POST: A scientist at a cryogenics lab in Florida reported that he successfully revived a 22 pound flash frozen Butterball turkey right before Thanksgiving. In the highly respected Scientific Journal of Cryogenics, Dr. Wilmot Scheemer describes how the turkey was brought back to life after being eviscerated and frozen at minus 321 Fahrenheit, the same temperature used to freeze the head of Red Sox slugger, Ted Williams, after he died at the age of 83.

Although Williams was never brought back to life by the Alcor Life Extension Foundation, it was reported that his decapitated head was used for batting practice by a technician trying to dislodge it from a tuna fish can, hardly the respect one might show to the majors' last .400 hitter. And, needless to say, this effort was hardly conducive to establishing vital signs in the frozen head of the baseball legend.

Dr. Scheemer, who previously was awarded the Nobel Prize for identifying cosmetic features used to differentiate obese women from dyspeptic camels, described how he revived the now healthy turkey who he named Lazarus:

"After cutting off and removing the typical Butterball wrapper, I soaked the carcass in special kosher sea-salt brine at room temperature until thawed. I carefully removed the giblets and then applied "lip-to-cavity" resucitation at approximately the same gobble rate as you might imagine, until the carcass started to heave and sigh. At that time, I put the turkey into the microwave oven and blasted him for 2 minutes. Whereupon I opened the oven door, Lazarus jumped out and planted the biggest kiss on me that I can ever remember."

Dr. Billingsgate wishes all of you turkeys a Happy Thanksgiving!

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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