Romney Surges in Polls Despite Lack of Support From Everyone in America

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Thursday, 27 September 2012


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As another "Super" day of Presidential primaries comes and goes, the behemoth that is the Romney campaign continues to crush everything in it's path like Adele in line at Ponderosa.

With an increasing number of delegates finally admitting to themselves that his nomination is inevitable, Romney's pandering has reached it's apex, as he can now flawlessly cater his agenda to your personal views without skipping a beat.

As Republicans, like a battered girlfriend with Stockholm Syndrome, remain adamant about refusing to accept the glaring realities of an inevitable Romney nomination, the rest of the nation continues to speculate on what the fuck is exactly going on with the Grand Old Party.

"I'm a registered Independent, and quite frankly, I'm dumbfounded. They say Romney isn't conservative enough, but than he wins the straw poll at CPAC, the Mecca of Conservatism. Is this one of those "guilty pleasure" things like the Spice Girls, where everyone likes something but just refuses to admit it publicly?"

As well as other media affiliates continued the journey down the rabbit hole, as the nation collectively seeks the answer to the question:

"Who the fuck keeps voting for Mitt Romney?"

While it's not unusual for hotly contested campaigns to complicate the ideals and emotions within a party leading up to the convention, this year has been notably unique for it's apparent desperation to jam a circle shaped block into a square shaped hole.

A "Reality Show" like cast of characters has stormed to the forefront (Bachmann, Huntsman, Cain, Perry, Gingrich) of the campaign, each falling from grace as quickly as they appeared. But one common factor has remained, a pillar of the stability that is 35%, a Patriot who refuses to halt his attempts at winning elections no matter how many times America gives him a collective "eh."

Fox News, which recently upgraded to Threat Level Magenta, is now struggling to figure out how they can possibly position one of the other three schmucks in a more favorable light than the guy who is basically a liberal.

"While we maintain our integrity and actively fulfill our promise of being Fair & Balanced, in this case, we have to be honest. This is blowing our fucking minds right now, pardon my language, but seriously, have you ever actually met anyone who even likes Mitt Romney? Because the closest thing I've found is someone who just hates everyone else a little bit less."

True to the trend, many registered Republicans claim their "support" for Romney is generated almost entirely by their hatred for the black race. Other Republicans just can't envision any of the other candidates as "electable."

Rick Santorum is still relatively obscure on a mainstream level, Ron Paul has run in every Presidential Election since the slaves were freed, and Newt Gingrich essentially embodies every negative characteristic capable within a human being.

The Huffington Post, known for its many hilariously clever and witty liberals, jumped to mention that the Republicans most "electable" candidate is a guy who couldn't even beat out John McCain for the nomination four years ago.

"I mean, how many chances do you get?" said some guy on a blog that The Huffington Post re-posted on their front page.

Much like the articles featured on The Huffington Post, this photo was Copy and Pasted.
It remains to be seen which Republican will face off against President Obama in the general election, but much like you can't find anybody who actually likes the show NCIS even though it gets amazingly high ratings, Americans continue to be baffled by the success of Mitt Romney.

When reached for comment about the strange phenomenon, the Romney campaign released a statement saying:

"We're not here to argue, we agree or disagree with whatever your particular point of view is, and we'll fight anybody who opposes it. We promise that the Romney campaign will continue to say the things that the American people want to hear, regardless of how much they might contradict my previous statements or actions. Mitt Romney is here for YOU, America! Unless, you know, you'd rather he like, waits in the car or something. Is everything okay, America? Are you mad at me?"

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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