Written by Tab Scott

Wednesday, 19 September 2012

Brooklyn--Less than five days after New York City's Board of Health voted 8-0 in favor of Mayor Bloomberg's ban on sugary drinks larger than 16oz., "soda-pop speakeasies'' began sprouting up all over the five boroughs.

"It started as a joke really" said Alex Blalock, 37, of Williamsburg, who, after reading about the ban, posted on his twitter "17oz. Sprite at my place y'all"

30 minutes later Blalock's apartment was filled with desperate individuals fiending for their favorite "super-sized" soft-drinks. "I don't even know who most of these people are, or how they know where I live." said Blalock.

Though the new ban does not take effect until March, 2013, thousands have flocked to these seedy underground establishments throughout New York City. In Staten Island, Mark Jenson, 17, dumps two-liter bottles of Mountain Dew into his step dad's above-ground pool as dozens suck up the watered-down concoction through sawed-off PVC pipes and garden hoses. "There's probably only about four bottles of soda in there-- but that pool is like, 8,000 gallons"

The excessively large soda black market is already estimated to be a 900 billion dollar/year industry. When asked about the recent emergence in illegal soft-drink speakeasies across the city, Chief of Police Raymond Kelly said "Wait, what?"

"Don't tell my mom I'm doing this ok?" says Eric Jones, 18, Queens, as he blends Dr. Pepper, blood thinner, and formaldehyde is his bathtub, where, for $50 a pop, patrons are allowed to dunk their heads in for as long as they can before resurfacing for air.

The long-term social, cultural, and economic effects of this recent trend are still a matter of pure speculation. Back in Williamsburg, Blalocks apartment is filled with corn-syrup soaked individuals huddled over buckets of RC Cola, and Orange Fanta. When asked about his role in this emerging black market, Mr. Blalock, said "I just need to get these people out of here before my girlfriend gets home" adding that she'll probably be "seriously pissed off."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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