Florida Bear Comes Out of the Wild, Is Eager to Go Back In

Written by Gail Farrelly

Wednesday, 9 May 2012

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He didn't find the Sunshine State that sunny.

In his first interview, one with a Spoof reporter, the bear discussed the recent time he spent mingling with humans. "Nothing to write home about," he said, "if I could write, that is. Frankly, I'll be glad to get back to the wild."

The bear had lots of complaints. He said that Florida folks end their day much too early, probably due to the fact that there are all those Early Bird dinner specials for retirees.

The staff and customers at a waterfront bar he visited weren't at all welcoming, he complained. And when he finally was able to grab some brews from a few back porches, he could find nothing but the cheapest beer imaginable. "Not high-quality at all," he grumbled.

The worst was when he visited a Florida library, only to find that the erotic new book at the top of the bestseller list was nowhere to be found. It had been banned! "Imagine that," he said. "I guess they don't want a lot of senior citizens to suffer heart attacks. Who cares about the old coots? And why spoil the fun for the rest of us?"

So for now it's a return to the forest for the bear. "Yep, It's time to go back and stand up to the likes of Goldilocks and her ilk," he said with a sigh. "But it IS home sweet home."

Next year he plans to vacation in Chicago. "Should be more interesting than Florida," the bear said. "At least they have the Chicago Bears. And Oprah."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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