Written by P.M. Wortham

Wednesday, 8 February 2012

image for Porsche Demands U.S. Emergency Call Number be Changed
Emergency? Call Porsche.

Privately miffed for decades over the common misuse of their U.S. based corporate switchboard and dealer network phone lines, Porsche has asked the federal government to change the "911" emergency call number to "something else".

Porsche automotive offices and dealers in America have simply agreed to take those 911 emergency calls, routing them back to the actual 911 emergency response system. "We are flattered, in a way", says Porsche U.S. marketing director, Ivanna Flatzix, "Our nine-eleven automotive platform has proven to be somewhat iconic and therefore memorable, even when somebody's testicles have been severed by an angry spouse".

Releasing some inbound telephone call data to help prove Porsche's point, an average of 1300 emergency calls are mistakenly placed to Porsche daily, which includes a significant labor cost to process. "Based on some of the call examples, people appear to be incapable of actually dialing the three numbers 9-1-1". Callers apparently dial zero for the operator and ask, most often, to be "connected to the nine eleven".

Porsche officials did not want to highlight the fact that callers who ask to be connected to 911 offices or dealers are about as sharp as bowling balls and perhaps just as thick. "Maybe not too bright, yes", was as much as Ms. Flatzix would say. "While we feel sympathy for the man who neutered himself by cutting up a water melon in his lap, we do appreciate his loyalty to the 911 brand".

Porsche appeared before the U.S. National Committee on Safety asking the emergency number be changed to 777 or even 999, which is a recognizable international standard. The Boeing Company immediately objected to the proposal. Herman Cain, former Republican candidate for President, reportedly liked the 999 plan.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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